I Have Issues

On the weekend I went to a lovely wedding of my good friend Megs (pronounced 'Mee-gs' - long 'e' there).  The bride was absolutely gorgeous, I went with a group of co-workers from the chemo unit who are also good friends and lots of fun and I drank way more than I should have.  It was a fantastic night, as evidenced by this photo:

Now what do you see when you look at this picture? You see Yours Truly there on the left, followed by Nessie, Megs and Megs' sister who was the bridesmaid and did not know the insane chemo nurses who were drunk off their asses and was no doubt wondering who were these people her sister invited to the wedding but I'm just going to smile.  To be honest with you I can't really remember what I found so hysterically funny... Did I mention the wedding was at a winery?  But no doubt you see a group of ladies having a good time.

And so do I... for about 5 seconds.  Then I get incredibly self-critical.  I start to pick out all my flaws and it starts to ruin what really is a great picture of my mates.  It takes a lot of effort - seriously - to give myself a mental upper cut and say "Look you dope - no one else is looking at those flaws.  Shut up and sit down."  And it's an ongoing battle, with my eyes straying to those zones and wanting to delete the thing because I don't like my body very much.

I'm not fishing for compliments here, really.  But as someone whose tragically low self-esteem (thanks middle school bullies) led to some bad personal choices in my teens and 20s it's not something easily put aside, despite the confident face I normally wear these days.  It's a struggle to not just accept my body but to love it, even if it's just a little bit.

So I'm going to look at that picture and see it for what it is - fun.  If only I could remember what was so damn funny.