Letting Go
I can be a bit of a control freak at times, especially when it comes to personal stuff. I wasn't always like this, but looking back I think it comes from ending my relationship with the Bastard. I became pretty determined to not let anyone control certain aspects of my life - my career, my personal life in relation to my family and friends, and my money. I also have an overblown sense of responsibility - everything in my personal sphere is my responsibility somehow.
Lately I haven't had the time to devote to the family budget like I used to or should. The Hermit and I are on the same wavelength when it comes to money, or we started out that way. I don't even know how we got into the routine we did, with me taking over the bill payments and day-to-day finances and then dealing with all matters money. However ever since Clive has come along I've really struggled to keep up with it all, and paradoxically have been fighting to keep control of it ever since. See, I used the word 'control' when I meant keeping the responsibility of the household finances.
Which is stupid, really. Discretionary spending by both of us has gotten way out of hand because I wasn't able to stay on top of it. Not that we're on the verge of destitution or anything, but I kept giving the Hermit vague answers when he wanted specifics. I kept playing catch-up and refusing to give it up to the Hermit, despite several offers from him to do so. I told myself I was sparing him, as he's got enough stress to deal with at work.
But really, it was a control issue. I wanted, needed, to be in control of it, to keep responsibility of it. But I wasn't, and I was being, well, stupid. And stubborn. Because these types of matters in a marriage shouldn't be controlled by one person or the other - they should be shared. Shit like this destroys marriages.
So today I gave the responsibility for the budgeting and tracking of expenses over to the Hermit. I admitted I can't keep up with it - another big thing for me, admitting I can't do something I feel like I should be able to do. I'll still pay the non-regular bills - all the regular ones get paid automatically - and spend the money, but the Hermit gets the rest.
Do I feel better for doing it? Yes and no. Yes, because now it'll get done when it's supposed to. The weight of responsibility is off me and is being shared with the Hermit. And no, because part of me still feels like I should have done it. That I just wasn't good enough to keep up with it, and if I had tried a little bit harder then I could have kept that responsibility.
Did I mention the stubborn and stupid part of my personality? Yeah, it's being given a stern talking to by the more rational parts of me and told to knock that shit off. It's time I took responsibility for that side of my nature.
5 Witty Remarks:
The experts claim that money is the cause of the most friction in a marraige and I agree with them.
You have always been more careful with your money than me - I admit that I can be really bad at managing it.
The Shepster pays the bills every month and he does it well. We both have discretionary money, but he is better with the month to month stuff than I am.
I will admit tha once the back log was caught up, I have been a whole lot better. I do not have or use a credit card, except for gasoline. That gets paid in full every month and is really more of a convenience than a charge card.
I did do a good job with my retirement plan ( at least until the current market crash struck). I am planning on leaving it alone since I do think things will improve dramatically in the next few years, so we should still be ok with that. And working at one place for so long, my pension is in good shape as well.
I do think that you have more than enough to keep you busy. Four kids, school and a house are plenty, and the Hermit probably prefers staying away from those things anyway. Don't beat up on yourself. This was a smart decision.
Aren't mothers strange creatures?! We always burden ourselves with guilt.
I do all the finances, what little we have so it's not easy, let me tell you. But, do them I do. I'm not super organised but I have the old "she'll be right mate" Aussie attitude and that suits us. Mr Mumfies does get a bit annoyed/concerned at times, mainly I think, because if I drop dead he won't know diddley! I make all the family decisions, right from where the babies would be born, to playgroups, daycare, schools, sports (apart from football, I probably wouldn't haven gone down that road but really glad we did.Sssh, don't tell him that!), what they wear, where they go... you get the idea. I just do! At least I can't blame anyone for the state of things!
And as I often say... one day I'm a gunna be organised. Yuh!
Every family's different so no use in comparing.
Now, enough with my procrastinating... I have a high school P&C meeting to get organised for. I'm the secretary so there's always something needing doing....
You lot with kids - get involved at school and lighten the load :)
We have 985 students at high school and average about 20 at the meetings and not too many families pay their yearly $50 voluntary contribution either. Ah well... we'll just keep plodding.... I'm such a hero in my own lunch box!
Hello,
Thank you for dropping by "barkings of a greyhound" I love to have visitors. You and Westy should come on a Greyhound walk one day. It is great to catch up with follow Greys and thier owners.
It's all good. Life constantly changes and sometimes you just need to decide as a couple what makes sense. I'm sure Hermit will do a great job and eventually you'll appreciate that. We made the same switch the other way early on in our marriage. Now I wouldn't want control of the finances if I had to.
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