The Absurdity of Science

Mooselet here. Unless you are brand spankin' new to my blog, you are familiar with my mother, Momma Mooselet. MM has had her share of medical issues since a work accident several years ago, and she shared one of her tests with me back in July. If any of you have had to have extensive tests, or think you may in the future, you will appreciate this. It's long, but so worth it. Enjoy:

I had to do an overnight sleep study last night and figured you would appreciate the experience. I have had problems sleeping for several years but they got so bad recently that I was getting 2-3 hours a night and stopped functioning like a human being (not that I did that before the problems) and kept forgetting things like where I worked). It was a lovely night.

I had to be there at 7:30. Since I rarely even attempt to go to bed before 11, that seemed a little early to me, but I have learned how to follow instructions. With 3 1/2 hours of sleep the night before, I forced myself to stay awake all day. I didn't drink a sip of coffee after 11, so staying awake was a strain but I watched Shep put the truck mat into the new truck, made lists of things I need to put into the trailer for next week's tryout and managed it. I took a shower, washed my hair and packed my bag. Out the door at 6:30 and on the way.

Arriving, I took a seat in the waiting room as instructed. A nurse came by, took a picture of my insurance card and had me fill out a form. Then the technician called and Andrea and I were off to the "hotel room" as advertised. The room had one bed, two chairs, a TV up on the wall, and lots of lovely looking equipment. I was handed another form to fill out and instructed to change into my pj's and crack the door open when I was ready. Following the instructions I filled out the form (questions like how likely are you to fall asleep while reading ... talking.. driving a car), donned the pj's and cracked the door. As you are aware, I never wear anything to bed because I am an extremely active sleeper and twisted clothes do not help with sleeping, so I was already figuring that this was not going to happen.

I hopped up on the bed (typical cheap hotel room concrete block with two stiff as a board pillows - JOY!!! now I am sure to get sleepy!. I changed channels and found Jeopardy in time for the second round. They had a whole category on sleep studies - go figure. Just before Final Jeopardy, Andrea came back in and I got to answer lots of questions - what medications do I take (answers on the card in my wallet) when do I usually go to bed, when do I wake up, any allergies and my personal favorite, do I mind the smell of airplane glue. That last one got me thinking about the time you and a half dozen cadets were working on your aerospace project in your hotel room and got high on the glue because no one thought to open a window, so I burst out laughing. Strange look from Andrea, but it would have taken to long to explain, so I just listened as she told me that they attach the wires with glue and some people have been known to get sick from it. Then the standard, Any questions? How many times do people who do this study fail to fall asleep? seemed like a logical question to me. Hardly ever according to Andrea, who then left promising to return and attach the wires. I couldn't get Comedy Central for The Daily Show and Stephen Colbert, so I switched to NCIS and settled down.

Sure enough, she came back in half an hour with a cart full of lovely looking wires which she proceeded to sort out. She first demonstrated the mask for me to try out. As a child, I had my tonsils out and in those days they used ether which stunk and was administered through something very much like this mask, but this one had a harness that fit over the head. Boy I was really styling. She turned on the machine and told me to keep my mouth shut and breath through my nose. I obeyed, but it was awkward. The damn thing covered most of my face and felt slimy although she did say they were sterilized after every use. She explained that if I seemed to have apnea, they would put this on me during the night. What did I think. She asked so I answered - do you really expect me to sleep with that thing on my face? Well, maybe I wouldn't need it. Let's get working.

Step one - stand up and drop this set of red wires and two pads down the right side on my pj's top, inside the waist band and down my right leg. Got it!
Step two - do the same thing with this white pair on wires for my left leg. Handled that one, too.
Step three - lift the left side on my pj top so she can attach another wire also threaded through the top, to the left side on my rib cage. Okay...
Step four - repeat on the right side. I am beginning to feel like a primitive robot, but we manage that. Now take a seat in the chair. Andrea proceeds to glue the leg leads, and for extra security tapes over them. Luckily, I did shave my legs so this worked. But she was right, it did smell like airplane glue.
Step five - the face. OMG, she glued leads next to left eye, along the left side of my jaw, and behind my left ear. The airplane glue smell is getting stronger.
Step six - repeat on the right side. We've got to be almost done by now. But wait....
Step seven - lets glue some more to both sides of my throat.
Step eight - just for kicks lets part your hair in six places and glue some more wires - lots of pretty colors emphasized by the overwhelming smell of airplane glue. Please tell me we are done!
Step nine - let's put this strap and sensor around your middle on top of the boobs.
Step ten - lets put another one around the body and over the belly.
Step eleven, lets try one more strap with a sensor about the size of a TV remote around the body between the others so Andrea will be able to tell if I'm on my back, my side or on my stomach.
Step twelve - sit still while I attached each one of the wires to this dinner plate size contraption, and we'll be done.

She then packs up and leaves the room after explaining the intercom system. I am to call out to her when I am ready to try going to sleep and she'll come back to plug in the dinner plate.

So there I am, smelling like airplane glue with 20 wires glued to my body and three sensors stepped to it, in a pair of hateful pj's, lying on a concrete bed with two cement pillows trying to get sleepy. I did bring my squishy leg pillow though, so at least my knee is comfortable. My eyes were pretty heavy, but every time I moved, a wire or sensors caught on something and back to wide awake. 3/4's of a book later (about 11:30), Andrea calls and suggests I try to go to sleep. I agree and back she comes to plug the dinner plate to a box on the wall, turn off the light and exit stage left.

So, now I am lying in the dark trying to relax and fall asleep while staring at the red sensor on the wall where the video monitor is located. And after several sessions of relaxation exercises I do manage it. Unfortunately, every time I move I am awake again, but I did get close to 4 hours in. As I am lying there staring at the red light some more, Andrea calls over the intercom and says it is now 5:30 AM and it doesn't look as if I am likely to go back to sleep, so I want to call it a night. OK by me!

Andrea arrives and proceeds to pour a solution that really, really reeks of airplane glue over each sensor as she peels it from my body. Most of that wasn't too bad, but my hair was drenched and by now the smell has ignited a whopping headache. You are welcome to take a shower here, she says but the water is only lukewarm at best and the water pressure is awful. You can just get dressed and shower at home if you prefer, but please fill out this last form before you leave.
I wander into the bathroom thinking that an immediate shower is the only option, but I turn on the shower and get nothing but cold drips, a quick pee, face splash and I am back in the bedroom getting dressed. I fill out the form, cram everything back in my bag, grab my squishy pillow and try to find the exit door. I finally make it out of the building and stand there for a minute breathing the wonderful fresh, but soggy air as it's raining.

This building is located on the back side of Worcester in an area that used to be manufacturing plants and warehouses, so I was amazed to see the Toyota (Shep's old truck) in one piece right where I parked it. Toss the baggage in the back, struggle up into the driver seat( no steps in this one and my right leg is the bad one) and shut the door. Big mistake - the smell hit me all over again. Jam the key in the ignition and open the window. A lot wetter, but air smells so much better than I do. It's now almost six and with any luck I can be home in 20 minutes and hit the shower. Optimism does not always work out.

I start back the way I came the night before, but oops - no left turn to get back to the main highway and no signs telling me how to do it. No sweat - I'll just head in the right direction and there will be a sign. Ten blocks and six stop lights later, still no signs. My head is pounding and I am driving before I've had a cup of coffee. Someone is likely to be killed. At the next traffic light, I see a lot of cars heading off to the left (which is the general direction of the highway) so I decide to follow them. Halfway down the block the sight I have been longing for. The highway, right! Wrong, a Dunkin Donuts. I pull into the lot, shut off the engine and make a beeline for the door. Get in line at the counter and notice that people seem to be looking at me and backing away. Can't say as I blame them - my hair is wet and I smell like a glue factory. Well they'll just have to live with it because I NEED this coffee. As I push out the door with my coffee in my hand I look back and several people are waving hands in front of their noses.

Back to the truck, several large swallows and I am ready to try again. Ouila! Another block down the road and there is an entrance ramp for the highway. I made it home in close to record time, hobbled up the stairs and straight into my own shower. Clothes on the floor and into the exquisite hot streaming shower. Three shampoos later and the smell is finally gone. It is now 7 AM and I have time for more coffee and a bagel before I have to leave for my physical therapy appointment.

I should hear in a week or two from the doctor after he analyzes the readings. With any luck, he can tell me why I have trouble sleeping.

Love, Mum