Am I Really?
I was in a punchy mood last Saturday night at work. Not "punchy" as in I wanted to hit anyone, but "punchy" as in I was feeling silly and wanted to have a bit of fun. This was likely due to the enormous amount of chocolate I ate earlier in the day and was still on a bit of a sugar rush. As we were getting our assignments for the night, someone made a comment about the New Zealand PM being on the field after the Warrior's game the night before and then going on to the dressing sheds. Being in the mood I was in, I quipped that I would very happily join her, camera in hand.
Later, my boss commented to me that my joke took him by surprise. "I had no idea you were like that," he said.
I grinned. "Every girl's gotta have a hobby."
It took me back to a comment made to me way back in my junior year in high school. It was before class started and I can't even remember what was being said, or what I said. As a matter of fact it was surprising I even spoke as I was painfully shy and not particularly popular in high school, so whatever I said must have just spilled out. The reply I got, however, has stuck with me for all these years: "Did you just say that? You, sweet and innocent (Mooselet)?" I just blushed and didn't say anything else, but knew I had given my classmates a peek at the inner me.
As I've gotten older, I like to think the inner Mooselet lives much closer to the surface. If you know me only by my blog, you'd think I'm the world biggest pervert what with the Skinfest and the, ah, colourful language. If you know me in the real world, you know that I'm not that obvious. I do believe in a bit of public decorum; that I don't need to let it all hang out, so to speak. But I'm still amazed when something I say completely takes people by surprise and I get a comment along the lines of my high school classmate from over 20 years ago.
So I'd like to ask the folks who know me personally - do I really come across as that "sweet and innocent" person? Or did you always have a clue that while I may be sweet, there was no way in the world I was all that innocent? Did my first "fuckity fuck fuck" take you completely by surprise? If you only know me from my blog, I'd like to ask your opinion as well: am I somehow being dishonest with this bit of duality that seems to exist? If you meet me in person, would you be disappointed if I wasn't as raunchy as I can be here? If you're my in-laws, are you horrified at what your son/brother married?
And is it a form of dishonesty - to be one way out in the world and another way in the blogosphere? I don't feel like I'm lying to anyone; just practicing a bit of discretion out in the world. The general anonymity of the internet allows us, or me in particular since I can't speak for everyone, an opportunity to let those parts of ourselves that may not be appriciated by the general public a chance to step up and be heard without the social repercussions. Sometimes that can be bad, especially when we cross that moral line and head into illegal activities, but having a leer at well built men - and women - doesn't even come close to that territory.
Sometimes I overthink things and I should just be me - in whatever form that happens to be at the time.
5 Witty Remarks:
Many people appear to have a dual nature because we're talking about two completely different worlds, in which many people interact completely differently. It's not necessarily dishonest to have a 'dual personality', so to speak, unless you are actually consciously lying to people.
I'll use myself as an example. You see my posts on various lists and even on my own website. I am quite different in person. To 'out' myself - I have Asperger's Syndrome. I've had a lot of 'behavioral mod' therapy over the years just to be able to function, but real-life social situations are still very hard for me. And yet, I can function near normally online. Am I being dishonest? No, I don't think so. Inside, I am a talkative butterfly, and that's what you see here. I am also a recluse, guarded and terse, but it's not something I hide. It's just hard to see here.
I think questions like these arise when we try to apply human emotions to a medium that is, by its very nature, devoid of emotion.
Sorry if that doesn't really answer your question. I would summarise by saying - don't worry about it. (I know it's hard, but there you go)
I think all people have a Yin and a Yang side. This is what makes us human. We all have a self centered side which causes us to act to makes ourselves happy, and a kind hearted side which looks to make those we care about happy; and a side that wants to punish anything, and anyone who discomforts us or our loved ones.
Keeping the two halfs in balance results in civilization. Being a one sided individual would not be a good thing, and even worse, it would be boring. The dihotomy of people is what makes them interesting. And as we all know Mooselet, you are interesting.
First of all, there is no way everyone we know in person or on the internet can know everything there is to know about us. They see pretty much what we project to them and who they are to us in our lives, example here....does your mom know you did acid 18 times (I know you didn't but perhaps I did? LOL) or that you had sex the first time with a certain guy? etc. Do some of our friends REALLY need to know we have hemorrhoids? That kind of thing. Geesh, that's really asking a lot of people and most of it's no one's biz but your own, so nope you aren't being dishonest at ALL! Just my most un humble opinion lol, cuz ya know I ain't humble even at the worst of times :)
Ah, dear Moosey.... we all have our little "fuckity fuck fuck" outbursts at times, even me! Not often, mind :)
I wasn't surprised - I don't mean that to sound bad or good, just normal.
If I had your busy life I'd be having those outbursts WAY more often!
We all have a secret side that only appears if it has or needs to. Old old friends know your growing up secrets but at least you know theirs too. Phew! Makes us interesting I say. Who wants to be a stiff all the time?!
I thought blogging was a way to vent or opine about things without revealing your true identity. This is where you can say what you want,and how you want to whomever finds it interesting, titillating, fascinating or "otherwising".
I know you to be a very motivated, intelligent, hard working, caring and energetic person. You've proven that on numerous occasions.
So blogging is your release of pent up emotions that can't or shouldn't be released in public or to your family.
The fact that your blogs are mostly humerous is a plus. They show how ridiculous life can be to others who may have the same pent up emotions but may be too timid to express them.
So, your blogs do serve some good purposes.
Keep up the good work, kid.
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