Bloody Mess

WARNING: The following post contains words of a graphic nature and may offend some readers. Reader discretion is advised. I mean it.

Auntie Flo and Cousin Red. Riding the cotton pony. On the rag. The red tide. The crimson tide. Sally. That time of the month. Your period. The curse. Your monthly. Or give me your own euphemism. Whatever phrase you use, it means only one thing. Menstruation.

I am convinced - 100% convinced - that if men menstruated there would be no such thing any longer. There would have been billions of dollars in federal funding to find a "cure" for the monthly bloodletting. Something that didn't involve surgery or taking dangerous hormones.

I know women bitch a lot about it and as such most men have tuned it out. Or you joke about PMS and the fact your significant other is a bit testy a few days a month. Or it's so gross you can't stand to think about it. But I want you to close your eyes for a second and picture something. Well actually, don't close your eyes because then you can't read what I'm about to write, but you take my meaning. Try to imagine how it would feel to have blood dripping from the end of your penis for a week every month. Imagine going to the toilet and passing clots of blood out the end of Wee Willy Wonka every month. Imagine your toilet bowl looking like a slaughterhouse after each visit every month. Picture yourself stuffing a ball of cotton into your body to staunch the flow or wearing a miniature diaper to soak up the flow. Never mind the cramps or the nausea or the myriad of other symptoms some women experience; just look down at your little friend nestled between your legs and picture blood dripping out the end every month. Sound like fun?

There are men out there who would have had had the awful experience of passing a kidney stone and will be saying they know how this feels. No you don't. Unless you pass a kidney stone on schedule every month for 35 FUCKING YEARS, you don't. You've had a mere taste and I'd bet it was enough.

There are only two times in a woman's life when we welcome our "friend". When it first happens because then we've crossed that mystical threshold into "womanhood", and if we've had an 'oops' moment in our relations with the opposite sex (or in plain English if we've had sex without any protection or inadequate protection). Then it's welcome, even celebrated. Otherwise I would bet everything I own that the overwhelming majority of woman wish we could take a little pill or do something to make the experience go away. Or at the very least greatly condense it.

In doing some research to the various slang words for menstruation, I came across this line:

"But sometimes we hate our periods because we’re told we should. We might fear that people know when we’re menstruating or we’ve been told we can’t do certain things when we have our periods. Some of us are even told our period is dirty. Getting your period is not a bad or horrible thing. It’s a beautiful thing your body does to take care of itself."

I'm sorry but it is NOT a "beautiful" thing. I don't hate my period because someone told me I should. I don't really care if someone knows that I'm on the rag, unless it's because I've stained my clothes and then that's just embarrassing. No one ever told me I couldn't do certain things because Auntie Flo was in town. And since I was raised by parents who recognized it was the 20th century (as it was at the time) I never thought it was dirty in the sense that it was wrong. I felt, and still feel, it was dirty because I have blood flowing from my private parts! While I fully understand the biological function behind it and can therefore be amazed at how the human body operates, I can also still feel that it's a disgustingly messy and gross function that I wish I didn't have to deal with each and every month.

There are only a handful of ways around it. One is to remain in a constant state of pregnancy. On the plus side I could have my own show on the Discovery Channel, however I'd be completely insane and would not be able to enjoy my fame. Another option is to take birth control pills continually. This works well until you hit your mid-30s and the pro/con scale starts to veer into "pulmonary embolism" territory. A third option is to have the whole thing removed via a hysterectomy. I have to admit I had hoped that after Clive, when I knew I didn't want any more children, my OB would tell me my uterus was so damaged in some way that he'd have to remove it. Leave my ovaries and take the fucking thing then! Alas, this didn't happen and any reputable doctor won't go removing organs simply because we don't like the job it does. Damn ethics.

I'm not claiming the reason no drug company or a medical genius has worked this out is that it's a way to keep women oppressed. I don't think most men today think this way. I just think that it just never occurs to them how nasty it really is because they don't experience it. Not able to get a boner? Oh man, don't want that to happen to me so let's fix it and make a squillion dollars. Monthly bleeding? Well sure that sucks, but really it can't be that bad. It's only a couple of days. No - it's only a couple of days that we're really cranky. The rest of the time we're busy stuffing our va-jay-jays full of cotton and getting on with our lives. Oh, and denying you an opportunity to get laid.

I know in the great scheme of medical science, menstruation rates low on the list behind noble causes like finding a cure for cancer and Alzheimer's. But if big pharma can help men get it up, surely something can be done for the other half of the equation.

If you're a woman who really doesn't mind getting your period every 28 days - give or take a day or two - please let me in on your secret. I don't hate my body... well okay, I'm not thrilled with it but even if I didn't have to deal with the bloody mess I'd still have issues, and I don't hate being a woman. There are a lot of great things about being female. I don't have issues with blood - I'm a nurse for heaven's sake. Blood in and of itself doesn't bother me. I just can't get excited with the idea of it flowing out of me every month. Am I the only woman who is looking forward to menopause?

I'm going to leave you with one more interesting factoid about Cousin Red. During menstruation, a woman's middle finger experiences decreased sensation (Libra Odd Spot #280). So don't take offense when we do this:

We're just checking to see if it still works.